No, I don’t feel ashamed of drawing porn
When I was 12 years old, I got my first ever laptop. This was around 2007, when I was in middle school. At the time, I barely understood my sexuality, but I understood that I was hornier than the average middle schooler felt they could admit. I felt a lot of shame for my horniness, and hid my feelings from my peers. Girls were supposed to act like we didn’t want to explore our sexuality, while still being sexually open enough to entice guys.
I had a reputation of being someone who dated lots of different boys, which made people assume I was sexually active in ways I wasn’t. Of all the boys I “dated” in middle school, I kissed only two of them. I didn’t even like kissing, but I did like feeling someone else close to me, I liked romance, and holding hands, and falling in love. Sex wasn’t on my radar, and at the time I didn’t even completely understand what sex was.
And then I got my laptop, and began exploring parts of the internet I had never seen before. A new world was opened to me when I discovered Newgrounds, and spent hours playing escape the room games, SHIFT, and whatever other random shit I could get my hands on. I eyed the Mature Section at the top of my screen, and wondered what was hiding behind the confirmation that I was above 18 years old. Eventually, I took the plunge. I LIED, and when I realized nobody was coming to arrest me, I began deep diving.
On the other side was porn. A LOT of porn. As short animations, looping animations, online games. There were links to even more websites that had more of this content. I really liked this content. I would hide away on my laptop, and stare in awe as Raven from Teen Titans pleasured herself to a Linkin Park song. I played a game of a ghost seducing and fucking someone on a public bathroom floor. I learned about tentacle hentai and thought my heart would stop because of how hot and disturbing it was at the same time.
I didn’t have the tools to process my sexuality. I was exposed to a lot of things I probably shouldn’t have seen so young. Then I’d have to go to school and pretend I didn’t spend my free time watching passionately created animated porn. I learned to hide my sexual self very young, only finding out as an adult that other kids were going through the exact same experiences, desires, confusion, and of course, suppression.
I do recall, for a time, when ghetto erotica became popular among the girls in my class. I don’t remember how we got access to some of these books, but I do remember how much they inspired me and a few of my classmates. Some of us even started writing an erotic story of our own together. It was messy, nonsensical, and showed our wild misunderstandings of sexuality, but it was fun as fuck until our folder of writing got uncovered, and we of course got into trouble.
As a Black girl, your sexuality is put on display in front of other people from the time you’re young, and adults like to pretend that they’re protecting you when they’re actually just publicly shaming and traumatizing you so you’ll uphold an unrealistic standard of sexual expression. I had my privacy violated so many times that I retreated from my sexuality, viewing it as one of my roadblocks rather than an aspect of myself that I was allowed to embrace.
In the present, I’m a 29 year old openly bisexual pervert. I spend time with my friends lusting openly over boobs, dicks, muscles, bullies, feet, etc. I love bodies and think they’re beautiful and hot. When I draw something pornographic, I feel free. Some of my most honest work is my smut, because I am genuinely enjoying what I’m creating SO much.
Anyway, I just really wanted to share some more about myself, and really, I just wanted to ramble and share this illustration of a dick on a heel, recreated from a photo.
Thank you.
Until next time.
